Everyone deserves to have satisfying relationships, romantic or otherwise. Communication skills are hugely important in fostering affection and connection within such relationships. However, some couples and families may have more trouble communicating than others. For ‘neurodiverse’ relationships consisting of neurotypical and autistic people, communication can be particularly difficult. Autism involves differences in social interaction and communication. However, the extent to which these differences affect adults in neurodiverse relationships is largely unknown, as the majority of autism research focuses on children. To address this, Dr Bronwyn Maree Wilson of Edith Cowan University and colleagues have conducted a study into the communication issues experienced by neurodiverse couples and families. Read More
For their study, the researchers contacted both autistic people and neurotypical people in neurodiverse relationships. By conducting video, email and phone surveys, the team assessed communication issues experienced by the participants in their relationships.
The surveys revealed several themes that can arise in neurodiverse relationships. In general, autistic people required less interaction than their neurotypical partners and family members. Autistic people also struggled with conversations that involved emotions, and tended to avoid such conversations where possible, which frequently led to frustration in their neurotypical partner and family members. Neurotypical people typically desired more connection with their autistic partner and family members.
This difference in communication requirements often led to neurotypical people ‘prompting’ their autistic partners and family members. This involved providing step-by-step instructions for how to engage emotionally, with the hope that this would encourage the autistic person to do so independently in the future. These instructions sometimes provoked stonewalling behaviours in autistic partners and family members, such as shutting down or defensiveness.
Whether prompting was initially successful or unsuccessful, neurotypical people usually intensified their prompting efforts to either overcome stonewalling or to build on their early successes. However, this often led to ‘prompt dependency’, where couples and families entered a cycle of frequent prompting, leading to neurotypical people feeling like a caregiver in the relationship. Moreover, prompting did not typically increase independent emotional engagement from autistic partners and family members.
These dynamics led to confusion, anxiety and frustration in autistic people while many neurotypical people experienced anger and distress. Interestingly, conventional relationship counselling, which is designed for neurotypical couples and families, was not effective in resolving these entrenched issues for many people in neurodiverse relationships.
The study reveals that more research into neurodiverse relationship dynamics is required to help such couples and families to interact in ways that are useful to both autistic and neurotypical partners and family members. In particular, the prompt avoidance or prompt dependency cycles described here could be useful for relationship counsellors in helping neurodiverse couples and families to navigate their differences, towards building fulfilling and rewarding relationships.
